Metanegotiation or 5 things to consider adding to your negotiation protocol

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Negotiating consent is a key component to consider when engaging in rope. Because the rope and ideas we are playing with can be complex, it is a good idea to consider a framework for how you want to negotiate. We start with the assumption that neither person wants to do harm to the other and that both want to negotiate for an enjoyable rope scene.

1. Define the type of negotiation you want to engage in and the consent model you want to follow.

Broadly speaking there are three common consent models that people in the kink community use. Although of course, these three options are not the only available framework for defining types of negotiation, they are a helpful starting point for discussion.

Opt in - you discuss the things that you would like to do. Nothing that hasn't been discussed and agreed upon is to happen during the scene. This is arguably the most common consent model and is often recommended to people new to kink.

Opt out - you discuss the things that are off the table during the scene. Limits are excluded and other things are reasonable to do during a scene.

Carte blanche - you agree to an arrangement where the rigger (usually) decides entirely what the scene will contain. It goes without saying that this type of consent model is recommended only with partners whose judgement you trust immensely and know very well. This is often considered the "more risky" model.

It is easy to see how a consent injury could happen if one party assumes they are practicing opt in model and the other assumes an opt out model. We can save ourselves a lot of time and energy by defining these things first.

2. Define when the negotiation can take place

Pre scene only - everything that happens in the scene is negotiated before the scene happens and no new things are added once the scene starts.

During scene - Some people are happy to renegotiate activities mid scene. This can work as long as you are confident that you can maintain a reasonable state of mind during a scene and would be happy with the decisions you make under the altered mind states of kink.

Even if you have agreed to pre-scene only negotiation you can negotiate down mid scene if you find something you can't take or don't like.

Ongoing - In ongoing relationships you might have an arrangement where both of you know the limits of the other well and trust each other to follow that history. Even if you haven't negotiated everything you are about to do extensively, you know things that were good in the past and are happy to continue on that basis.

3. Make it clear if you subscribe to a particular branch of risk awareness and what that means to you.

SSC - Safe Sane Consensual RACK - Risk Aware Consensual Kink PRICK - Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink

These concepts each have a different ethos and may inform how to go forward in your negotiation. For example, people that subscribe to RACK would generally argue that no kink is fully safe. Requiring partners to be 'sane' could also be seen as problematic by people who engage in BDSM practices who are diagnosed mental health issues. There are lots of debates that we could have over the terms and what they mean, but suffice to say, not everyone agrees on how they run their lives ideologically.

There are other, specific ethical arguments that exist within the rope scene. Some people strongly believe that a rigger should do check ins for hand function regularly, while some people strongly believe that it's solely the bottoms' responsibility to take the initiative to keep a check on their own body and keep the top informed.

Many people work with a model somewhere along this spectrum. It's good to know if your partner subscribes strongly to one of these ideas as if frames the expectations they will have for the communication in the scene.

Using safewords in rope can be more complicated In a rope scene does your safeword mean:

• The scene ends completely?

• Come down from suspension as quickly and safely as possible?

• Get all rope off as quickly and safely as possible?

• Or is it that the safeword can relate to a specific action that needs to stop but the scene in total can continue?

• None of the above?

Once again, it is easy to see how ambiguity in any of these things could lead to anything from disappointment at a scene ending earlier than you meant to feeling that your safeword has not been honoured if your partner adjusts something when you meant the scene to finish immediately.

4. Negotiate for what to do if things go wrong

Even with the best intentions accidents in kink can happen. When this happens, many people get stuck on the question of where the blame lies. In ongoing relationships, who is to blame actually may not be as important to how you go forward as how the situation is handled. For example, if a rigger makes a mistake on a mainline lock off and you are injured when you fall to the ground, it will probably feel much less psychologically painful if they want to help you afterwards.

If you are going to engage in risky play types it is worth considering the following questions.

• How are you going to heal if you get injured?

• How are you going to heal the relationship if someone injures you?

• How are you going to heal the relationship if you hurt someone?
  

5. Negotiate for aftercare

What aftercare would you like? What aftercare would your partners like? People often assume hugs and comfort are good aftercare, not everyone wants this and might prefer to relax, have a snack or simply go home to rest. The point is someone's aftercare might not look like yours. Are you prepared to provide your own aftercare? Not everyone feels conformable or likes giving or receiving extended hugs after play. Not everyone agrees to someone being dependent on them for aftercare and it may be up to you to provide your own aftercare. If you know this in advance it may inform the things that are on the table for play. I know that for me personally, if I know there will be very little aftercare I have a preference to do a less intense scene. That being said, I will add that refusing to give any aftercare whatsoever will likely come across as quite inconsiderate. If you really do not want to provide aftercare I would consider why you want to play in that situation or with that person.

This is by no means a full list of things to negotiate but more a meta view perspective of how we can avoid confusion by defining the parameters of how negotiation might take place.